Reality check:
These same insecure, needy, negative feelings
that drive men away are going to keep coming up
over and over in place after place until you are
ALONE again.
Here are a few important questions to
consider right now:
How do you think all your negative emotional
fears and frustrations are affecting the man in
your life?
And how do these make him think and feel about
you and your relationship?
And what would he tell you and ask you for if
he wasn't afraid of freaking you out, and was open
and honest?
*Hint- learning to listen and understand a
man's feelings is also a huge part of creating a
strong relationship that meets BOTH of your needs.
If you want to learn how to get a man to listen
to you better, understand what you're going
through without getting frustrated or angry, and
commit to working through it with you and opening
up,then move past
RESISTANCE to growth and understanding in
relationships.
I've recognized that men commonly
have a kind of RESISTANCE to working through
intense emotional situations in relationships.
And it's often these same few areas of
RESISTANCE that cause conflict in relationships
and lead to men to pulling away or leaving.
A few important truths about men and the common reasons
why they leave relationships with women they like
or love...Reason 1: The "Pleasure Principle" Men, and women, generally want to FEEL GOOD in
their lives.
And they want to have the people around them be
a source of pleasure and comfort and support.
Yourself included.
When you are constantly freaking out on a man
for what it is about him that freaks you out, you
quickly turn into one of the people who he just
DOESN'T FEEL GOOD around.
And this has a huge impact on whether or not he
wants to invest more time, effort, and energy in
you and your relationship -
Or if he will decide to give up on trying to
fix what's going on so you can both feel good
together.
Reason 2: Emotional Experience And The Future For the man in a relationship, the way a woman
acts in the "little" situations become indicators
of how she's going to respond when things really
are tough in the future.
So if a woman is consistently negative and
emotional... and can't get herself together even
when a man tries to explain things and comfort
her... then a man isn't going to think that things
could be any better for them in the future.
Reason 3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction Love can be important to a man.
But just like a woman, if he doesn't also keep
experiencing the exciting and addictive feelings
of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he
loves... then eventually EVERYTHING ELSE stops
mattering.
When a man doesn't FEEL that deep level of
connection with a woman, at least every so often
to remind him of why he's with her, then he'll
forget why... and the relationship will become
just a whole bunch of "work" to him.
Whenever he thinks of his girlfriend, he'll
think of all the problems, frustrations, and
negative emotions and experiences... and he'll see
a future and a commitment as something that will
make him LESS SATISFIED in his life.
Often times when women are feeling distance or
trouble in a relationship, they'll try to "talk"
to a man and work on "the relationship."
Big mistake if you want to turn things around.
For a man, he wants to do things together (not
talk) to know his relationship is working. Creating a deep level of connection and sharing
the attraction you have is one of the most
powerful and important keys to giving a man his
own reason for wanting to be with you, no matter
what.
Reason 4: The "Neediness" of Codependence
A man wants to be with a woman who brings
something better to his life, not takes away his
time, energy, and emotional "stability."
So when a woman doesn't have much going on for
herself in her own life a few things happen:
First, she focuses on her relationship too much
as her source of happiness or unhappiness.
You can tell when you've done this in your
relationships in the past when you've said things
like:
"I can't believe how I didn't hardly ever see
any of my friends while we were together."
...or
"I can't believe I let him control me that
way."
...or
"I feel so stupid for wasting so much of my
time on our relationship, when I could have been
doing things for me and my life."
The reality is that no man and no relationship
are capable of being everything to a woman.
And no relationship requires that you sacrifice
all your time, life, and energy for it... no
matter how much it seems that way.
But our relationships can "trick" us into
believing that they need all of our time and
attention just to survive.
Not true.
In fact, the way this works is completely
COUNTERINTUITIVE.
Often times a man will leave a woman because
he sees that she depends too much on him and has
lost her own sources of happiness... and this not
only looks and feels "needy" to a man, but it
keeps the woman from having much to bring into the
relationship and add to their lives together.Reason 5: "She's Trying To Fix Me..." I had failed relationships because either me or the guy thinks "people don't
change."
Wrong. People often change their state of mind in an
instant.
Especially from happy to sad.
Of course, changing perspectives, opinions, or
beliefs can take a bit longer... but these change
quickly, too.
A man can and will "change" and compromise for
a woman.
It's a fact.
I see it all the time where men let go of their
"bachelor lifestyles" for one special woman, and
change a ton about their social lives.
But this only happens when a man has HIS OWN
REASONS to change.
It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries
to change for a woman, or for the sake of the
relationship.
There's a rule I like to use in my life when
ever I come to a situation where I'm trying to
align my own desires or goals with someone else's:
"All motivation is self-interest."
In other words, if you're trying to create a
great situation with a man, you're going to need
to understand what HIS REASONS are going to be for
doing the work on his end to make it happen.
But in many cases, a woman will try and get a
man to change by showing him how it affects HER,
not him.
This is the exact opposite of understanding
that people are motivated by the things THEY
WANT, and not what others feel and want.
It takes some maturity to accept that other
people (men) have their own unique way of seeing
things and wanting what they want (to stay and
work things out, or not).
But once you learn to accept these things and
start to work with them instead of against them,
life gets a whole lot easier.
And a whole lot more fun. (I'm not saying I'm already on this state but I'm getting there slowly. New year, new beginning...)
Here's my conclusion:If a man is deeply committed to you and your
relationship on an emotional level, then any
"issues" you run into are just going to be "bumps
in the road" to him. And he'll be confident,
comfortable, open, and secure with you in working
them out.
But if a man ISN'T "emotionally committed" to
you, then each and every little problem is going
to cause him to get irritated, frustrated, and
have him wanting to blame you and withdraw. Which is, in turn, going to make things much
less CERTAIN for you.
Oh well, seems tough for a woman to accept all these and it seems unfair but let's face the fact that men deal with things differently than the way women do. :)
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